I wanted to mark today in some way and haven't figured out how to do so yet. Six months ago today my wonderful Mother died. I can't believe it has been six months. Joe has been gone a year and a half.

So much to tell them. I know they are looking down and see us.

I hope I make them proud. I'm trying so so hard.

God sends us angels to help us along the way. Tomorrow I will get up, shower, dress and start again with one foot in front of the other. I will work through things and continue to grow. I will love and be loved in return. I will laugh. Because that is what Mom and Joe would have wanted me to do. It is so hard.

I do miss them so much.

Tomorrow is another day.

My future - my past

These days I'm not sure where I'm at. Clearing out my families house after the death of my Mom/Joe has been healing in some ways and opened many old wounds in others.

Finding pictures that made me laugh - of Mom/Joe in younger days and so happy. So many years spent in happy times. Pictures of old friends who are gone - that they are with now. All together in Heaven.

I found an old high school annual and its made me think about the people in my past. Some memories good and some not so great. (My hair in the 80's was a sight. Had the Farrah Fawcett do going on for sure.)

I have this desire to reconnect with some people....but I have no idea why. I'm in a different place than I was in 1986 when I moved away from home for good. I'm an adult and some of these people I only know as a teenager. So what could I gain from this connection? Am I trying to recreate happier times in my past or bring the lessons I learn into my present. Who knows. Too deep for now and I won't know until I try. But I do know that God is pulling me in this direction. And I'll go - I hope so anyway.

She's back......

So its been a while since I've been here and there's no excuse coming of why. Just not the time to be writing. But it's been a tough week...so here I am to get some stuff out.

1. I've done ok on the outside handling the death of my mom and my step father. The outside of me I can control and make "pretty" so the world doesn't have to see how truly messed up my insides are. The last few days I've been wondering if this is all really real or if I'll wake up soon to find them both at home and wondering why I haven't called and worried sick about me. They can't be dead - it's just not possible. And even more impossible - I'm expected to live the rest of my days without them. I know people die as a part of life but this is just not fair and I'm sad people - really sad.

2. My employer had layoffs this week and they affected some of my friends. It was just hard for them but it was hard for those who love them to watch. The economy is so uncertain and all of us are wondering just what will happen next. Please President Obama - do what you can to help us and quickly. And in the meanwhile I pray for my friends and the others who lost jobs.

I'm trying to be positive through these things. I know my mom/step father still love me and are watching over me (love doesn't cease because the person dies). I know my friends will be ok jobwise.

I trust in God and He will provide - of that I'm sure.

Of that I'm sure.

Happy New Year

Just a quick note to say I made it through the holidays. By far the hardest thing I've done yet. I'm so glad to have them over....I am sure Mom/Joe are together and loving every minute of their reunion. Doesn't make me miss them any less.

Hope your New Year is fill with joy and love.

Finally

Christmas is here.

I don't have to dread it one more day - it's here.

I'll get through this day i'm sure. I have family gatherings and friends coming to vacation in Western NC for a few days with me.....but I miss my Mom and my step father. More than any words could ever do justice to. If you haven't been through this I wish you never had to.

Merry Christmas to all!

It's coming on Christmas, they're cutting down trees....

I love that song. Always have. It's a sad one to me - wish I had a river I could skate away on.

I am happy to be seeing my brother and his family on Christmas day along with an Aunt and some friends but if I could I'd wish us right into 2009.

This is just too hard and I didn't expect it to be any other way.

Hoping everyone else has a lovely, happy, joyful, peaceful and healthy holiday season.

Life is never as it seems

Tonight I'm working on fact checking some charts for a meeting tomorrow. While I'm making sure the columns add up correctly so I don't embarass I turn on my TV for noise and find "You've Got Mail".

I love this movie.

It makes me sad - its too close to home right now. Meg Ryans character is missing her Mom at Christmas.

I am missing my Mom and Joe at Christmas...and every day.

I love you Mom and Joe and miss you very much. Merry Christmas.